If I should die and leave you here a while,
be not like others sore undone,
who keep long vigil by the silent dust.
For my sake turn again to life and smile,
nerving thy heart and trembling hand
to do something to comfort other hearts than mine.
Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine
and I perchance may therein comfort you.
—Mary Lee Hall
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love, time is
Eternity.
—Henry Van Dyke
Up in heaven,
They have someone new
At those gates,
He’ll be waiting for you
Not just now,
We need you here
We’ll all help you through
Each and every tear
—Jo
True love is measured by how deep you fall
And judged by how low you are willing to crawl
Just to save it and make it last
It is determined by how willing you are to open up and offer your trust.
It is hospitable, amazing at all times, and always kind.
It is never prejudiced, it is color blind…
—Piet Modiba
I never knew about happiness;
I didn’t think dreams came true;
I couldn’t really believe in love,
Until I finally met you.
—Joanna Fuchs
I love you with my heart.
I love you with my soul.
I know you don’t believe in me,
but trust me, for I know.
My love is deep,
my love is true,
and it will never fade.
So tell me now
and tell me true
DO YOU LOVE ME TOO?
—Angiee Thoroughman
Love is like a bicycle
Left out in the storm
If it’s not protected
Rust begins to form
So unless you want your bicycle
To slowly rust away,
Provide a little kindness
When the sky begins to grey.
—Darren A. Mccallum
My love for you is like the raging sea,
So powerful and deep it will forever be.
Through storm, wind, and heavy rain,
It will withstand every pain.
Our hearts are so pure and love so sweet.
I love you more with every heartbeat!
—Elaine Chetty
A million stars up in the sky.
One shines brighter – I can’t deny.
A love so precious, a love so true,
a love that comes from me to you.
The angels sing when you are near.
Within your arms I have nothing to fear.
You always know just what to say.
Just talking to you makes my day.
I love you, honey, with all of my heart.
Together forever and never to part.
—Mrs. Creeves
If you said you were cold,
I would wrap my arms around you.
If you said you were thirsty,
I would give you the ocean blue.
I would give you anything: the moon, the stars, the sunset too.
This heart in my hands I hold out to you.
— Katiynd Jenkins
If I could have all the time in the world,
I know what I would do:
I’d spend the time
In pleasure sublime,
Just by being with you.
—Joanna Fuchs
In all chaotic beauty lies a wounded work of art.
Beautiful but torn, wreaking havoc on my heart.
Camouflaged by insecurities, blinded by it all.
I love the way you sit there and barely notice me at all.
—Kim McCrea
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
—W.S. Merwin
And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to blossom.
—Anais Nin
Life is like a fire.
If you can’t control your flame,
You’re bound to be burned.
—Robert Durdle
Don’t judge a book by its cover,
love is better than hate.
Life’s too short to waste opportunities
you have the chance to take.
One day you could be alive and the next you could be dead,
so keep your head held high with a big smile on your face!
—Poppy Cooke
The butterfly is a thing to behold,
with colors more beautiful than gold.
Flying hour by hour,
going from flower to flower.
Oh, how I enjoy your beauty, butterfly,
as I sit and watch you flutter by.
—Rick Hunter
The crow flies
People die
Souls are lost
Tears dry
Love fades
Blood stops dripping
The sun sets
Flowers turn to dust
People turn to stone
The crow freezes
And life stands still
—Amber
Didn’t want a battle,
Yet you declared war,
Each knock you gave me made me stronger than before,
I will not give up,
I will not give in,
You won’t make me fall,
I won’t let you win.
—Emma Jackson
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.
—Raymond Carver
Curtains forcing their will
against the wind,
children sleep,
exchanging dreams with
seraphim. The city
drags itself awake on
subway straps; and
I, an alarm, awake as a
rumor of war
lie stretching into dawn
unasked and unheeded.
—Maya Angelou
Did you hear about the rose that grew
from a crack in the concrete?
Proving nature’s law is wrong it
learned to walk without having feet.
Funny it seems, but by keeping its dreams,
it learned to breathe fresh air.
Long live the rose that grew from concrete
when no one else ever cared
—Tupac Shakur
Simple Sam was a simple man.
He lived each day by a simple plan.
Enjoy your life and live while you can.
Make each day count and take a stand.
Stand on the left or stand on the right,
Whichever one you think is right.
Live each day as if your last.
Life’s too short and gone too fast.
—Irwin Mercer
My relationships with my cats has saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.—William S. Burroughs
No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens. —Abraham Lincoln
Cats are connoisseurs of comfort. —James Herriot
Cats choose us; we don’t own them.—Kristin Cast
Time spent with cats is never wasted. —Sigmund Freud
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. —Robert A. Heinlein
In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this. —Terry Pratchett
I can’t have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.—Roseanne Barr
A lie is like a cat: You need to stop it before it gets out the door or it’s really hard to catch. —Charles M. Blow
Just watching my cats can make me happy. —Paula Cole
If brute force doesn’t solve your problems, then you are not using it enough.
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d.
Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn’t leave something that can be traced back to you.
SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it.
I’m not anti-social; I’m just not user friendly.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there’s Google.
The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.
Path not found. Try the grass shortcut.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
My attitude isn’t bad. It’s in beta.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net on a 14.4k dial up connection.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It’s a hardware problem.
Crime does not pay… as well as politics.
Artificial hearts are nothing new; politicians have had them for years.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges, even where there are no rivers.
In archaeology you uncover the unknown. In diplomacy you cover the known.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.
Being in politics is like being a football coach: you have to be smart enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it’s important. – McCarthy’s Law
I belong to the Straight Talking American Government Party, or STAG Party for short.
The worst part about politics is that you’re always right and no one ever knows it.
Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, “The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.”
Our government always struck me as having many layers. But I no longer think that, not after this e-mail from an associate in another country: “I demonstrated the product to the Minister of Defiance and his Chief of Stuff.”
The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”
Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.” The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: they should both be changed regularly… and for the same reason: they’re both full of crap.
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?” The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant. And in the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
Patient: “Doctor, I’m addicted to ‘The Family Feud’ game show. What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: “Well, the survey says…”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”
My doctors’ office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
Doctors are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it’s tweetable.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
A man walks into the clinic and the doctor says, “You haven’t seen me for a while.”
The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been blind.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”
“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.”
Did you hear about the guy who lost his whole left side? Well, he’s all right now.
Doctor: You are very sick. You are going to die.
Patient: I don’t believe it. Can I get a second opinion?
Doctor: Yes of course. You are very ugly too.
Two friends who are doctors are engaged in a heated argument.
Doctor 1: I was told that you are having sex with your patients.
Doctor 2: So what? I’m not the only doctor in the world who does that.
Doctor 1: But dude; you are a veterinarian!
Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone?
A: You can’t hear a vitamin.
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, “Give him two Viagra.”
Nurse asks, “Do you think that will help?”
Dr replies, “No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!”
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.
The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”
“I was stung by a bee!” she said.
“Where?” he asked.
“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.
He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?
A: He made a spectacle of himself.
Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”
A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.
–“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”
–“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise and shine.”
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.
Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.”
Man to wife: “What did she say?”
Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Wife: Honey, do you think I gained weight?
Husband: No, I think the living room got smaller.
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”
Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.”
“What? Why?”
“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”
“The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.
My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.
The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch that it might be me.
How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.
Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He’s been going through some shit.
Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
Q: What’s the Easter Bunny’s favorite restaurant?
A: IHOP
I get plenty of exercises – jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
Q: Why are ghosts bad liars?
A: Because you can see right through them!
My boss and I took a job applicant to lunch, where we tried, with little success, to get him to open up about his experience and qualifications. Frustrated, my boss set his salad aside and proposed a specific and complex situation to the young man, then asked, “What would you do?” The applicant hesitated, then, looking my boss straight in the eye, said, “Are you going to eat all those tomatoes?”
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” “Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.” The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? Apparently, he sold his soul to Santa.
Let’s both be naughty this year and save Santa the trip.
What goes “oh oh oh”? Santa walking backwards.
Which of Santa’s reindeers needs to mind his manners the most? “Rude”olph
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Santa gave my son a fridge for Christmas. – I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
A: He only comes once a year.
How do you know when Santa’s in the room? You can sense his presents.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
Amanda: What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?
Robert: What?
Amanda: One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh.
Joe: What nationality is Santa Claus?
Moe: What?
Joe: North Polish.
Chance: Why did Rudolph get a bad report card?
Nate: Why?
Chance: Because he went down in history.
Teacher: Johnny, define claustrophobia.
Johnny: Fear of Santa Claus?
One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”
His wife asked, “How do you know?”
“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Q: What does Santa use when he goes fishing?
A: His North pole
Q: What do you call someone who doesn’t believe in Father Christmas?
A: A rebel without a Claus
An honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $20 bill. Which one picked it up??
Santa! The other two don’t exist!
Q: What does Santa put on his toast?
A: Jingle jam
Q: Why does Santa always go down the chimney?
A: Because it soots him!
Q: Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?
A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “you mathematicians don’t know your limits.”
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says.
“Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.
Q: What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar.
A: You guys better not start anything in here.
Q: What does a termite say when he walks into a bar?
A: Is the bar tender here?
This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”
Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”
A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!” The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”
Q: What do you call a basement full of women?
A: A whine cellar!
Q: Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake?
A: Because he couldn’t hold his beer.
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.” The bartender asks, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents,” and runs out the door.
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.” The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.” The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!” The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, don’t have nails.” The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”
E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”
A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”
A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”
He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”
“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”
A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?” And the guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”
Q: Teacher: What is the shortest month?
A: Student: May, it only has three letters.
Q: What did the ghost teacher say to the class?
A: Look at the board and I will go through it again.
Q: What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
A: Pick them up and roll them back
Q: Why did the teacher turn the lights on?
A: Because her class was so dim.
Q: Why did closing her eyes remind the teacher of her classroom?
A: Because there were no pupils to see.
Q: Teacher: If you got $20 from 5 people, what do you get?
A: Student: A new bike.
Q: Why did the teacher go to the beach?
A: To test the water.
Q: How is an English teacher like a judge?
A: They both give out sentences.
Q: Teacher: Didn’t I tell you to stand at the end of the line?
A: Student: I tried but there was someone already there!
Q: Why were the teacher’s eyes crossed?
A: She couldn’t control her pupils!
Q: Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
A: Because his class was so bright!
Teacher: Megan, why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?
Megan: You said we had to do it without tables!
A first grade teacher handed out a coloring page to her students – on it was a picture of a frog holding an umbrella.
When the class handed them in, one little boy had colored the frog bright purple. The teacher scolded him, asking, “How often have you seen a purple frog?”
The little boy answered, “The same number of times I’ve seen a frog holding an umbrella.”
Teacher: ‘Craig, you know you can’t sleep in my class.’
Craig: ‘I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.’
Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, “Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life.”
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, “Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.”
Q: What do you call a teacher without students?
A: Happy
Teacher: I want you to tell me the longest sentence you can think of.
Pupil: Life imprisonment!
The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said …”I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking.”
Pupil: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not
Pupil: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
Kid comes home from 1st day at school. Mum asks, ‘What did you learn today?’ Kid replies, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’
Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears, do you have an infection?
Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
A wife and her husband are sitting around one evening, just talking, when the wife suddenly asks, “If I died, would you re-marry?”
“I would,” the husband answered.
“You would?” the wife asked, a bit surprised. “Would you let her come into my house?”
“I would.”
“Would she be cooking in my kitchen?”
“She would!”
“Would she be soaking in my bathtub?”
“She would!”
“Would she be putting her clothes in my closet?”
“She would!”
Growing more exasperated, the wife continued asking: “Would she be driving my car?”
“She would!”
“Would she be sleeping in my bed?”
“She would!”
“Would she be using my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no, definitely not.”
“Why not?”
“She’s left-handed.”
Bob was a religious golfer. Every Sunday morning, he headed to the golf course. It didn’t matter what the weather was like. It could be raining and cold, but Bob didn’t care. It was off to the course. Every single Sunday morning for years.
But one Sunday, Bob finally met his match with the weather. He got up early and drove out to the course, hoping the weather would improve by the time he hit the first tee. But once at the course, he knew he was beat. It was just a few degrees above freezing, and the rain was coming down steady and icy cold.
For the first time in years, Bob headed back home on a Sunday morning.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes, snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said “Terrible weather out there.”
“Yeah,” his wife replied, “and can you believe my idiot husband went golfing?”
Bud the golfer sets off on a round-the-world trip in his new boat, but he winds up veering off course and gets lost. He drifts onto a deserted island, where he is stranded, all alone.
Months go by and there’s no sign of rescue, and not even a soccer ball to keep him company. Then one day Bud sees a beautiful mermaid coming out of the surf, heading straight toward him.
The mermaid stops two feet in front of Bud and asks him in sexy voice, “Would you like a drink?”
Bud doesn’t have to think about his answer. “You bet!” he nearly shouts.
The mermaid opens the vest she’s wearing, reaches in and pulls out an ice-cold beer.
Then she asks, “Would you like a cigar?” And Bud quickly answers, “You bet!
The mermaid opens her vest even more and pulls out a Tatuaje Cigar, which Bud lights up immediately with the lighter the mermaid also gives him.
The mermaid bats her eyes, opens her vest even more, and coos to Bud, “And would you like to play around?”
“Wow!” Bud says, “You have golf clubs in there, too?”
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it,” the nun said.
“When did you use this awful language?” the Mother Superior asks.
Answered the nun: “Well, I was golfing and hit this fabulous drive that looked like it was going to go 280 yards, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground only 100 yards from the tee.”
“Is that when you cursed?”
“No, Mother Superior,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior.
“Well, no,” says the nun. “As the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”
“Is that when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”
“Did you swear then?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “You missed the &!#&%#%! putt, didn’t you?”
Dan and Brandon are playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain – cliffsides and gullies and ravines.
They reach the 6th hole, where Dan slices a ball into a thickly wooded, deep ravine. But Dan is determined not to take a penalty stroke, so he grabs his 8-iron and starts descending into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is terribly thick and tearing at Dan’s clothes. The sunlight is dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines. But Dan keeps searching, and finally spots something shiny down below.
As he nears the object, he realizes it’s not a ball, but a golf club. Dan takes a closer look only to discover that it is an 8-iron – and it’s in the hands of a human skeleton laying near an old golf ball!
Dan yells out for his partner. “Hey Brandon, get over here, I got trouble down here!”
Brandon hurries over to the edge of the ravine and yells down, “What’s the matter Dan?”
Dan replies, “Bring me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”
Bad day at the course,” a guy tells his wife. “Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole.”
“That’s terrible!” she says.
“You’re telling me,” the husband replies. “All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
Guy gets to a long par 3 over water. A voice from above says, “Hit the new Titleist Pro V.”
The guy tees up the Titleist and takes a practice swing.
The voice comes back, “Never mind, hit a range ball.”
A U.S. citizen is vacationing on his own in Ireland. He decides to play a round of golf and is paired with three local gents.
He takes a few practice swings, steps up to the first tee, and proceeds to hook the ball out of bounds. He shakes his head, reaches in his pocket, and re-tees another ball. He tells his playing partners that he is taking a Mulligan. He pounds one down the center of the fairway about 280 yards out.
With a big smile, he asks the others “In the U.S., we call that a Mulligan; was wondering what you called it here in Ireland.”
After a moment of silence, one of the locals replies, “Hitting three.”
John Dorsey: A golfer walks off the 18th green, hands his putter to his caddie and says, “Kid, you’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world.”
The caddie replies, “Sir, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
A Baptist pastor decides to play hooky on a Sunday to play golf. He’s playing the best golf of his life when an angel asks God, “Are you going to let this slide? Do something!”
So God says, “Watch this.”
The pastor hits a 425-yard tee shot and the ball goes in the hole for a double eagle. The angel asks, “Why did you reward him?”
God says, “Who is he gonna tell?”
Two men ran out to the course for a quick nine after work. They get to the tee and see two ladies playing ahead of them.
One of the men complains that the ladies will slow them down and says he is going to ask if they can play through. He goes halfway to the ladies and turns back.
The other man asked what was wrong. The man said, “I can’t go up there that’s my wife and my mistress.”
So the other man says he will go. He goes halfway and comes back. His partner asked what happened and the man replied, “Small world, huh?”
A married couple played golf together everyday.
One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn’t know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife’s death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, “Yes, that was my ball.”
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman’s backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, “Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went.”
Q: Why do golfers always carry a spare pair of trousers with them?
A: In case they get a hole in one
A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, “Did you have a good time out there?”
The man replied “Fabulous, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” said the pro. “How did you find the greens?”
Said the man: “Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!”
Golfer to caddie: “Why do you keep looking at your watch? I find it very distracting.”
Caddie: “It’s not a watch, sir – it’s a compass.”
Golf balls are like eggs.
They’re white.
Sold by the dozen.
And a week later you have to buy some more.
As a couple approaches the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be, “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”
“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”
The groom replies, “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.
‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.
‘A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?’
‘I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.’
A hacker was playing so badly that his caddie was getting increasingly exasperated.
On the 11th, his ball lay about 160 yards from the green and as he eyed up the shot, he asked his caddie, “Do you think I can get there with a 4-iron?”
“Eventually,” replied the caddie, wearily.
Q: What is the difference between a golfer and a fisherman?
A: When a golfer lies, he doesn’t have to bring anything home to prove it.
A golfer was having a terrible round – 20-over par for the front nine with scores of balls lost in water or rough. When his caddie then coughed as he steadied himself over a 12-inch putt on the 10th, he lost it.
“You’ve got to be the worst caddie in the world!” he yelled.
“I doubt it,” replied the caddie, dead-pan. “That would be too much of a coincidence.”
Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral cortege passes by. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the cortege passes.
“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”
“Well, it’s only right,” the first golfer replies. “I was married to her for 35 years.”
Q: Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in Europe?
A: Because it’s always Dublin.
Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Cos they’re always a little short.
Q: What do you call an Irishman covered in boils?
A: A leper-chaun.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman?
A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working.
He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?”
The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.”
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: “Did something happen one of your brothers?” “Oh no,” replies the Irishman. “I just decided to quit drinking!”
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day.
One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog.
His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?”
Mr Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.”
“Was he mad?” asks Billy.
“He wasn’t too pleased,” Mr Murphy replies.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.
“Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass.
He says: “So what’s bothering you?”
She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?”
“Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand.
Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
Q: What’s the difference between God and Bono?
A: God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,”he prayed,”I can’t stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said,”Never mind,I found one.
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out 3 times to pee!”
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.”
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says,
“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.”
So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.
“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
Q: How does every Irish joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.
Q: How do you measure a snake?
A: By inches. Snakes don’t have feet.
Q: What bird is the strongest lifter?
A: A crane
Q: What do you call a bear who’s lost all its teeth?
A: A gummy bear
Daughter asks her mother, “Mum, how long have you been married to dad?”
“Ten years.”
“Oh, and how many do you still have left?”
A little boy visits his farmer grandpa and watches him milk the cows.
The next day one of the cows runs away and grandpa is really upset about it.
“Don’t worry, Grandpa,” says the boy helpfully, “she can’t have gone very far with an empty tank.”
“Sir, you cannot fish here!”
“Don’t worry, I’m not fishing, I’m just teaching my worm to swim.”
Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire with a dwarf?
A: A vampire that sucks blood from your knees.