If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’.

I love to play hide and seek with my kid, but some days my goal is to find a hiding place where he can’t find me until after high school.

I am grateful for reducing your alcohol consumption while I was living inside your belly.

Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

I am happy son that you were not so famous enough to adopt a baby instead of having me.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

When I was a boy, my mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood, it left a big red mark on my forehead.

Mother Nature, in her infinite wisdom, has instilled within each of us a powerful biological instinct to reproduce; this is her way of assuring that the human race, come what may, will never have any disposable income.