To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.―Elizabeth Gilbert
The most desired gift of love is not diamonds or roses or chocolate. It is focused attention. ― Richard Warren
There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.—George Sand
Don’t put the key to happiness in someone else’s pocket. ―Unknown
The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves—say rather, loved in spite of ourselves.―Victor Hugo
For the two of us, home isn’t a place. It is a person. And we are finally home. ―Stephanie Perkins
I am catastrophically in love with you. ―Cassandra Clare
If you love somebody, let them go, for if they return, they were always yours. If they don’t, they never were.―Kahlil Gibran
The very essence of romance is uncertainty.―Oscar Wilde
I love you the way a drowning man loves air. And it would destroy me to have you just a little. ―Rae Carson
When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different. You feel safe and comfortable. ―Jess C. Scott
One day you will kiss a man you can’t breathe without and find that breath is of little consequence. ―Karen Marie Moning
And in her smile, I see something more beautiful than the stars. ―Beth Revis
If this is shelter, then one wall and no roof can make a house.
Once I do get to sleep…I shall go on sleeping whether I roll off or no.
We might try to hurt or frighten this tree to begin with… ‘If it don’t let them go, I’ll have it down, if I have to gnaw it.
If you don’t come back, sir, then I shan’t, that’s certain… ‘Don’t you leave him! they say to me. Leave him! I said. I never mean to. I am going with him, if he climbs to the Moon, and if any of those Black Riders try to stop hi, they’ll have Sam Gamgee to reckon with, I said.
Well, sir, if I could grow apples like that, I would call myself a gardener. But it was the singing that went to my heart, if you know what I mean.
Eavesdropping, sir? I don’t follow you, begging your pardon. There ain’t no eaves at Bag End, and that’s a fact.
They are sailing, sailing, sailing over the sea, they are going into the West and leaving us.
I made a promise Mr. Frodo, a promise… don’t you lose him Samwise Gamgee and I don’t mean to.
Do you remember the Shire, Mr. Frodo? It’ll be spring soon. And the orchards will be in blossom. And the birds will be nesting in the hazel thicket. And they’ll be sowing the summer barley in the lower fields… and eating the first of the strawberries with cream. Do you remember the taste of strawberries?
Po-ta-toes! Boil ‘em, mash ‘em, stick ‘em in a stew.
It’s your Sam. Don’t you know your Sam?
Don’t you let go!
Let him go, you filth! Let him go! You will not touch him again!
There was a lot more to that song… all about Mordor. I didn’t learn that part, it gave me the shivers. I never thought I should be going that was myself!
Snow’s all right on a fine morning, but I like to be in bed when it’s falling.
Is everything sad going to come untrue?
I feel like spring after winter, and sun on the leaves; and like trumpets and harps and all the songs I have ever heard!
Up you get! Come on, Mr. Frodo dear! Sam will give you a ride. Just tell him where to go, and he’ll go.
There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.
One tiny Hobbit against all the evil the world could muster. A sane being would have given up, but Samwise burned with a magnificent madness, a glowing obsession to surmount every obstacle, to find Frodo, destroy the Ring, and cleanse Middle Earth of its festering malignancy. He knew he would try again. Fail, perhaps. And try once more. A thousand, thousand times if need be, but he would not give up the quest.
Come, Mr. Frodo!’ he cried. ‘I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you.
Nothing has astonished me more (and I think my publishers) than the welcome given to The Lord of the Rings. But it is, of course, a constant source of consolation and pleasure to me. And, I may say, a piece of singular good fortune, much envied by some of my contemporaries. Wonderful people still buy the book, and to a man ‘retired’ that is both grateful and comforting.
As for what you say or hint of ‘local’ conditions: I knew of them. I don’t think they have much changed (even for the worse). I used to hear them discussed by my mother; and have ever since taken a special interest in that part of the world. The treatment of colour nearly always horrifies anyone going out from Britain, & not only in South Africa. Unfortunately, not many retain that generous sentiment for long.
No language is justly studied merely as an aid to other purposes. It will in fact better serve other purposes, philological or historical, when it is studied for love, for itself.
The Gospels contain a fairy-story, or a story of a larger kind which embraces all the essence of fairy-stories. … But this story has entered History and the primary world; … It has pre-eminently the “inner consistency of reality.” There is no tale ever told that men would rather find was true, and none which so many sceptical men have accepted as true on its own merits. For the Art of it has the supremely convincing tone of Primary Art, that is, of Creation. …this story is supreme; and it is true. Art has been verified. God is the Lord, of angels, and of men — and of elves. Legend and History have met and fused.
And lastly there is the oldest and deepest desire, the Great Escape: the Escape from Death. Fairy-stories provide many examples and modes of this … Fairy-stories are made by men not by fairies. The Human-stories of the elves are doubtless full of the Escape from Deathlessness.
I have claimed that Escape is one of the main functions of fairy-stories, and since I do not disapprove of them, it is plain that I do not accept the tone of scorn or pity with which ‘Escape’ is now so often used. Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home? Or if he cannot do so, he thinks and talks about other topics than jailers and prison-walls? The world outside has not become less real because the prisoner cannot see it.
I desired dragons with a profound desire. Of course, I in my timid body did not wish to have them in the neighbourhood, intruding into my relatively safe world, in which it was, for instance, possible to read stories in peace of mind, free from fear. But the world that contained even the imagination of Fáfnir was richer and more beautiful, at whatever cost of peril.
I wish life was not so short. Languages take such a time, and so do all the things one wants to know about.
I do so dearly believe that no half-heartedness and no worldly fear must turn us aside from following the light unflinchingly.
It gives me great pleasure, a good name. I always in writing start with a name. Give me a name and it produces a story, not the other way about normally.
If you really come down to any large story that interests people – holds the attention for a considerable time … human stories are practically always about one thing, aren’t they? Death. The inevitability of death.
Every morning I wake up and think good, another 24 hours’ pipe-smoking.
I have the hatred of apartheid in my bones…
I am in fact a Hobbit (in all but size). I like gardens, trees, and unmechanized farmlands; I smoke a pipe, and like good plain food (unrefrigerated), but detest French cooking; I like, and even dare to wear in these dull days, ornamental waistcoats. I am fond of mushrooms (out of a field); have a very simple sense of humor (which even my appreciative critics find tiresome); I go to bed late and get up late (when possible). I do not travel much.
I should say that, in addition to my tree-love (it was originally called The Tree), it arose from my own pre-occupation with the Lord of the Rings, the knowledge that it would be finished in great detail or not at all, and the fear (near certainty) that it would be ‘not at all’. The war had arisen to darken all horizons. But no such analyses are a complete explanation even of a short story…
You can make the Ring an allegory of our own time, if you like: an allegory of the inevitable fate that awaits all attempts to defeat evil power by power. But that is only because all power magical or mechanical does always so work.
[On Leaf by Niggle] That story was the only thing I have ever done which cost me absolutely no pains at all. Usually I compose only with great difficulty and endless rewriting. I woke up one day (more than 2 years ago) with that odd thing virtually complete in my head. It took only a few hours to get down, and then copy out.
Well, the first War of the Machines seems to be drawing to its final inconclusive chapter — leaving, alas, everyone the poorer, many bereaved or maimed and millions dead, and only one thing triumphant: the Machines. As the servants of the Machine are becoming a privileged class, the Machines are going to be enormously more powerful. What’s their next move?
There was a solemn article in the local paper seriously advocating systematic exterminating of the entire German nation as the only proper course after military victory: because, if you please, they are rattlesnakes, and don’t know the difference between good and evil! (What of the writer?) The Germans have just as much right to declare the Poles and Jews exterminable vermin, subhuman, as we have to select the Germans: in other words, no right, whatever they have done.
Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.
Wars are not favourable to delicate pleasures.
That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it for the rest of his life.
I suppose you think that was terribly clever?
Don’t tempt me, Frodo!
It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succour of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till. What weather they shall have is not ours to rule.
Hobbits really are amazing creatures, as I have said before. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch.
I was talking aloud to myself. A habit of the old: they choose the wisest person present to speak to; the long explanations needed by the young are wearying.
He is not half through yet, and to what he will come in the end not even Elrond can foretell. Not to evil, I think. He may become like a glass filled with a clear light for eyes to see that can.
This is your realm, and the heart of the greater realm that shall be. The Third Age of the world is ended, and the new age is begun; and it is your task to order its beginning and to preserve what must be preserved. For though much has been saved, much must now pass away; and the power of the Three Rings also is ended. And all the lands that you see, and those that lie round about them, shall be dwellings of Men. For the time comes of the Dominion of Men, and the Elder Kindred shall fade or depart.
Go back to the abyss! Fall into nothingness that awaits you and your master!
My friend, you had horses, and deed of arms, and the free fields; but she, being born in the body of a maid, had a spirit and courage at least the match of yours. Yet she was doomed to wait upon an old man, whom she loved as a father, and watch him falling into a mean dishonoured dotage; and her part seemed to her more ignoble than that of the staff he leaned on.
Courage will now be your best defence against the storm that is at hand-—that and such hope as I bring.
Fool of a Took! This is a serious journey, not a hobbit walking-party. Throw yourself in next time, and then you will be no further nuisance.
Fly, you fools!
So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
You cannot pass,” he said. The orcs stood still, and a dead silence fell. “I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udûn. Go back to the Shadow! You cannot pass.
It is not despair, for despair is only for those who see the end beyond all doubt. We do not.
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement.
I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
Memory is not what the heart desires. That is only a mirror.
Maybe the paths that you each shall tread are already laid before your feet, though you do not see them.
Who knows? Have patience. Go where you must go, and hope!
Torment in the dark was the danger that I feared, and it did not hold me back.
Faithless is he that says farewell when the road darkens.
The burned hand teaches best. After that advice about fire goes to the heart.
Many are the strange chances of the world, and help oft shall come from the hands of the weak when the wise falter.
It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us for the succor of those years wherein we are set, uprooting the evil in the fields that we know, so that those who live after may have clean earth to till.
Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of wisdom.
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing… such a little thing.
Yet such is oft the course of deeds that move the wheels of the world: small hands do them because they must, while the eyes of the great are elsewhere.
A hunted man sometimes wearies of distrust and longs for friendship.
There’s some good in this world Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.
Even the smallest person can change the course of history.
Deeds will not be less valiant because they are unpraised.
It is useless to meet revenge with revenge. It will heal nothing.
It is not the strength of the body, but the strength of the spirit.
But in the end it’s only a passing thing, this shadow; even darkness must pass.
It’s the job that’s never started as takes longest to finish.
Q: A farmer needs to take a fox, a chicken, and a sack of grain across a river. The only way across the river is by a small boat, which can only hold the farmer and one of the three items. Left unsupervised, the chicken will eat the grain, and the fox will eat the chicken. However, the fox won’t try to eat the grain, and neither the fox nor the chicken will wander off. How does the farmer get everything across the river?
A: The farmer must follow these steps.
1. Take the chicken across the river.
2. Come back with an empty boat.
3. Take the grain across the river.
4. Bring the chicken back.
5. Take the fox across the river.
6. Come back with an empty boat.
7. Take the chicken across the river.
Q: Turn me on my side and I am everything. Cut me in half and I am nothing. What am I?
A: The number 8
Q: An old man dies, leaving behind two sons. In his will, he orders his sons to race with their horses, and the one with the slower horse will receive his inheritance. The two sons race, but since they’re both holding their horses back, they go to a wise man and ask him what they should do. After that, the brothers race again — this time at full speed. What did the wise man tell them?
A: To switch horses
Q: If I am holding a bee, what do I have in my eye?
A: Beauty
Q: You’re escaping a labyrinth, and there are three doors in front of you. The door on the left leads to a raging inferno. The door in the center leads to a deadly assassin. The door on the right leads to a lion that hasn’t eaten in three months. Which door do you choose?
A: The door on the right.
Q: This guys office is on the 30th floor of the building. Every day, he gets off on the 25th floor and walks the extra 5 floors upstairs. Why does he walk the extra 5 floors rather than taking the elevator?
A: He is a midget. He is too small to reach any higher than the 25th button!
Q: Lennie was cleaning up some old papers in his office and found a list with the following names:
Washington
Jefferson
Lincoln
Hamilton
Jackson
Grant
The last name on the list was mostly worn away and he couldn’t make it out. What was the last name and why?
A: Franklin. Its a list of the men on U.S. currency, $1, $2, $5, $10, $20 and $50. The $100 bill has Franklin. And an interesting tidbit is that Hamilton, along with Franklin, are the only two men in the list who did not serve as president.
Q: A man is leaving on a business trip and stops by his office on the way to the airport. The night watchman stops him and says, “Sir, don’t take that flight. I had a dream last night that your plane would crash and everyone would die!”
The businessman cancels his trip and sure enough, the plane crashes, killing all the passengers.
The man gives his watchman a $10,000 reward for saving his life, then fires him. Why?
A: Because his night watchman was sleeping on the job.
Q: Brad stared through the dirty soot-smeared window on the 22nd floor of the office tower. Overcome with depression he slid the window open and jumped through it. It was a sheer drop outside the building to the ground. Miraculously after he landed he was completely unhurt. Since there was nothing to cushion his fall or slow his descent, how could he have survived the fall?
A: Brad was so sick and tired of window washing, he opened the window and jumped inside.
Q: A woman walked into an office building, looked at the guard, and said her name was Jenny. The next day she walked into the same building, looked at the same guard and said her name was Julie. What is going on?
A: The woman has Multiple Personality Disorder. This happens when a traumatic experience causes so much pain that they make another personality to cope with the situation.
Q: A new medical building containing 100 offices had just been completed.
Mark was hired to paint the numbers 1 to 100 on the doors. How many times will Mark have to paint the number nine?
A: The correct answer is twenty (29, 39, and so on)
Q: One inch, three inch, five inch
Choosing one is not a breeze
Because size can matter
When using one of these.
A: Binder
Q: Filling these items with brown / black stuff
I am sure you will be agreeing
Ensures everyone in the office
Starts the day as a human being.
A: Coffee mug
Q: I do not get put on a bed
Even though I am a sheet
Instead put me in a binder
To keep your desk nice and neat.
A: Paper
Q: My name sounds as though I like to fight
But you will actually find I’m kinder
Because I help with your paperwork
By ensuring it goes in a binder.
A: Hole puncher
Q: If you’re needing something adhesive
As attaching stuff is your goal
Then make sure you come looking for me
As I am always on a roll.
A: Sticky tape
Q: Contrary to my name
I am not a queen
Hold me up to things though
And their length is seen.
A: Ruler
Q: I’m not a razor
But have a blade
I unblunt items
That have a grade
A: Pencil Sharpener
Q: Despite my name
I do not bite
Having said that
I grip things tight.
A: Bulldog clip
Q: Fill me up with metal
And let me do my thing
Get some sheets of paper
I’ll have them attaching.
A: Stapler
Q: If you have a meeting in the office
You’ll need to know the time and place
Something that can help with one of these things
Has two or three hands over its face.
A: Clock
Q: If your sock drawer has 6 black socks, 4 brown socks, 8 white socks, and 2 tan socks, how many socks would you have to pull out in the dark to be sure you had a matching pair?
A: Five. There are only four colors, so five socks guarantee that two will be the same color.
Q: Sunday, Melinda and Susan went to the cafe for a cup of tea. The total cost of the bill was $12 and was divided equally among the friends. Melinda paid $4 and Susan paid $4 as well. Who paid the remaining $4?
A: Their friend Sunday
Q: A woman was driving on the highway when she suddenly got a flat tire. She pulled over and removed the flat tire and was about to replace it with the spare when all four of the wheel nuts were blown by a huge gust of wind off the side of the road and down the cliff. There was no way the woman could get to them. She sat down perplexed and frustrated until a bicyclist passed by and pointed out that she had all the wheel nuts she needed. She applied the advice and safely drove away. What was the advice?
A: Take one wheel nut off of the other 3 nuts and put it onto the spare so that each wheel had 3 nuts.
Q: If you take my son’s age and multiply it by one and a half times his age you get 24. How old is my son?
A: 4 (4 x 6 =24)
Q: A bicycle rider is traveling south at 25 mph, a truck passes the bicyclist also traveling south at 40 mph. Simultaneously, the bicycle rider passes a jogger who is running in the same direction south at 5 mph. Which will move away from the bicyclist at a quicker pace, the car or the jogger?
A: The jogger, because the difference in speed is greater between the jogger and bicyclist than the car and the bicyclist
Q: There are 2 ants in front of 2 other ants, 2 ants behind 2 ants and 2 ants next to 2 ants. How many total ants are there?
A: Four ants, standing in a square formation
Q: If four men can build four tables in four hours, how many tables can eight men build in eight hours?
A: 16 tables
Q: If 66 = 2, 999 = 3, 8=2, 0=1, 9696=4, 8123=2, 98=3 and 88=4, then what does 816982 equal?
A: Six, each circle is equal to one. For example, 6 has one circle, 8 has two circles in it.
Q: A huge bag of garlic bulbs weighs 294 lbs divided by 1/6th of its weight. How much does the bag of garlic weigh?
A: 42 lbs (1/6th of 42 is 7; 294 ÷ 7=42)
Q: How can you add eight 4s together so that the total adds up to 500?
A: 444 + 44 + 4 + 4 + 4 = 500
Q: In an alien land far away, half of 10 is 6. If the same proportion holds true, then what is 1/6th of 30 in this alien land?
A: 6
Q: Maria went to the bread store to buy a loaf of bread for dinner. She had 2 quarters, 4 dimes, 3 nickels and 2 pennies. The total cost of the bread $0.82. She promised to make sure she had exactly 1 coin remaining after purchase. Which coins did she have left after buying the loaf of bread?
A: One of the quarters
Q: Jeff has $28.75. He purchased three cookies that cost $1.50 each, five newspapers that each cost $0.50, five flowers for $1.25 each, and used the remainder of the cash on a pair of sunglasses. How much were the sunglasses?
A: $15.50
Q: Eggs are $0.12 a dozen. How many eggs can you get for a dollar?
A: 100 eggs, at one penny each
Q: If it took 6 people 9 hours to build a barn, how long would it take 12 people to build the same barn?
A: None; the barn was already built
Q: A little boy goes shopping and purchases 12 tomatoes. On the way home, all but 9 get mushed and ruined. How many tomatoes are left in a good condition?
A: Nine
Q: If the zookeeper had 100 pairs of animals in her zoo and if two pairs of babies are born for each and every one of the original animals, and then sadly 23 animal don’t survive, how many animals do you have left in total?
A: 977 animal (100 x 2 = 200; 200 + 800 = 1000; 1000 – 23 = 977)
Q: If you buy a rooster for the purpose of laying eggs and you expect to get three eggs each day for breakfast, how many eggs will you have after three weeks?
A: None; roosters don’t lay eggs
Q: A duck was given $9, a spider was given $36, a bee was given $27. Based off of this information, how much money would be given to a cat?
A: $18 ($4.50 per leg)
Q: A cell phone and phone case cost $110 in total. The cell phone costs $100 more than the phone case. How much was the cell phone?
A: $105
Q: A grandfather, two fathers, and two sons went to the movie theater together and everyone bought one movie ticket each. How many tickets did they buy in total?
A: 3 (the grandfather is also a father and the father is also a son)
Q: I come from a mine and get surrounded by wood always.
Everyone uses me.
What am I?
A: A pencil lead
Q: You measure my life in hours and I serve you by expiring. I’m quick when I’m thin and slow when I’m fat. The wind is my enemy.
A: A candle
Q: What travels around the world but hardly ever moves in one corner?
A: A stamp
Q: What falls but never breaks?
What breaks but never falls?
A: Day and night
Q: What is full of holes but still holds plenty of water?
A: A sponge
Q: The more there is, the less you see.
What is it?
A: Darkness
Q: I can be long and can be short, I can be black, white, brown or purple. You can find me the world over and I am often the main event. What am I?
A: Rice
Q: You should keep me as straight as can be, yet very few do. Most of the time I am slightly bent or curved. Your sadness usually causes me to bend further, but don’t bend me for too long or I may never be able to fully straighten out again. What am I?
A: Your posture
Q: We hurt without moving
we poison without touching.
We bear the truth and the lies,
we are not to be judged by size.
A: Words
Q: I am a mother and a father,
but have never given birth.
I’m rarely still,
but I never wander.
What am I?
A: A tree
Q: Give me food and I will live
Give me water and I will die.
What am I?
A: Fire
Q: Every night I’m told what to do,
and every morning I do what I’m told.
But I still don’t escape your scold.
What am I?
A: An alarm clock
Q: What flies when it is born, lies when it’s alive, and runs when it’s dead?
A: A snowflake
Q: I can only live where there is light, and I will die if light shines on me. Who am I?
A: A shadow
Q: What is it that the poor people have and the rich people needs, greater than God and kills you if you eat it?
A: Nothing
Q: When you have it, you want to share it.
When you share it, you lose it.
What is it?
A: A secret
Q: Alone I am 24th, with a friend I am 20.
Another friend and I am unclean.
What am I?
A: X. X is the 24th letter of the alphabet, XX is the Roman numeral for 20, and XXX is the code for adult films
Q: Many have heard me,
but nobody has seen me,
and I will not speak back until spoken to.
What am I?
A: An echo
Q: Strip the skin under my skin, and my flesh you’ll reveal.
It tastes sweet and tart, now throw out the peel.
What is it?
A: Orange
Q: It’s shorter than the rest,
but when you’re happy,
you raise it up like it’s the best.
What is it?
A: Thumb
Q: You can carry it everywhere you go, and it does not get heavy. What is it?
A: Your name
A man goes out in heavy rain with nothing to protect him from it. His hair doesn’t get wet. How does he do that?
He is bald.
How many months in the year have 28 days?
All of them.
What animal turns about 200 times around its axis after it dies?
A roast chicken.
What spends all the time on the floor but never gets dirty?
Your Shadow.
What grows when it eats, but dies when it drinks?
Fire.
You can’t keep this until you have given it.
A promise.
Which word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly
What gets wetter the more it dries?
A towel.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
There is no dirt in the hole.
Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet.
Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?
Johnny of course.
Two children are born on the same day from the same mother but they are not twins. How is that possible?
They are triplets!
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.
What goes up and never comes down?
Your Age
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot
During what month do people sleep the least?
February, it’s the shortest month.
What kind of room has no doors or windows?
A Mushroom.
Q: What tastes better than it smells?
A: A Tongue
What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A clock.
What two things can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner.
Q: What moves without seeing and cries without eyes?
A: Cloud
Q: What has keys but no locks, Space but no room, You can enter but you can’t exit.
A: Keyboard
Q: What has 12 faces and 42 eyes?
A: A pair of dice
Q: What city has no people?
A: Electricity
Q: What can you fill a room with that takes up no space?
A: Light
Q: What comes one time in today, three times in tomorrow and never in the future?
A: The letter O
Q: This old one runs forever but never moves at all. He has not lungs nor throat, but still has a mighty roaring call who is he?
A: A waterfall
Q: What when read from right to left is a servant but when read from left to right is a ruler?
A: God
Q: What room in your house do ghosts avoid?
A: The living room
Q: What is something that you always have but you always leave behind?
A: Fingerprints
Q: I can’t be seen, found, heard or smelled. I lie behind stars and under hills, I fill empty holes, come first and follow after. What am I?
A: The dark
Q: What has 13 hearts but no other organs?
A: A pack of playing cards
Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry?
A: Because they are always stuffed
Q: I am a seed with three letters in my name.
Take away the last two and I still sound the same.
What am I?
A: Pea
Q: Why is it easy to measure fish?
A: Because they have their own scales
Q: What ten-letter word starts with gas?
A: Automobile
Q: I’m often running yet I have no legs.
You need me but I don’t need you.
What am I?
A: Water
Q: What do you call a tick that loves math?
A: An arithme-tick
Q: Where can you find success before work?
A: In a dictionary
Q: Why do bees hum?
A: Because they don’t know the words
Q: What month do all soldiers hate?
A: March
Q: I have cities but no houses,
moutains but no trees,
and water but no fish.
What am I?
A: A map
Q: What is often returned but is never borrowed?
A: Thanks
Q: What do you call a famous lobster?
A: A LobStar
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse become an astronaut?
A: He wanted to visit Pluto
Q: What goes up but never comes down?
A: Your age
Q: They come out at night without being called, and are lost in the day without being stolen. What are they?
A: Stars
Q: What kind of tree you can carry in your hands?
A: A palm
Q: What is so delicate that saying its name breaks it?
A: Silence
Q: What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment, and never in one thousand years?
A: The letter M
Q: A woman is sitting in her room at night.
She has no lights on, no candle, no lamp, no light at all and yet she is reading.
How is that possible?
A: She is reading braille
Q: I am always hungry. I must be fed.
Whatever I touch will soon turn red.
What am I?
A: Fire
Q: Tear one off and scratch my head;
what was once red is black instead.
What am I?
A: A matchstick
Q: What has branches and leaves but no bark?
A: A library
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it is a jar
Q: What ship has two mates but no captain?
A: A relationship
Q: What is it that no one wants to have but no one wants to lose?
A: A lawsuit
Q: I start off dry but come out wet. I go in light and come out heavy. What am I?
A: A teabag
Q: Everybody has me, but cannot lose me. What am I?
A: A shadow
Q: What begins with T and ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot
Q: What lives every year but dies every month?
A: A calendar
Q: A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
A: An egg
Q: What word starts with P, ends with E, and has thousands of letters?
A: Post Office
Q: What sheds tears without eyes, and has to die in order to live?
A: A candle
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel
Q: What has four legs in the morning, two legs in noon time, and three legs in the afternoon?
A: Man
Q: What has a neck but no head?
A: A bottle
Q: What word begins and ends with E but only has one letter?
A: Envelope
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters on it?
A: Short
Q: What has a face and two hands but no arms or legs?
A: A clock
Chuck Norris was born feet first.
It was the only time a doctor died during childbirth.
A word of wisdom for you on your birthday: Smile while you’ve still got teeth! Happy Birthday!
I like birthdays but I think too many can kill you.
Are we becoming older and wiser?
No, we’re becoming older and wider!
How to tell you’re getting old? You visit an antique auction and get bid on by four people.
“Wow, this birthday cake sure is crunchy.”
“It’s usually not supposed to be eaten with the plate!”
It’s my wife’s birthday on Monday. I asked her last month what she would like to get as a present.
‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she told me, ‘anything with diamonds would be lovely.”
I bet she’s going to love her brand new set of playing cards!
Father: Happy birthday my boy! And what would you like as a gift?
Son: A dog.
Father: I’m sorry, but you know that’s not possible.
Son: Ok, then I want to be the father for one day and you the son.
Father: Ok, no problem.
Son: Fantastic. Son, get dressed, we’ll go to the animal shelter to look for a nice puppy.
The problem with getting older is you get dry dreams and wet farts.
You don’t get smarter when you become older. There just aren’t so many stupid things left that you haven’t done yet.
Chuck Norris ate his birthday cake before anybody had the chance to tell him that there was a stripper inside.
Husband: Honey what do you wish for your birthday?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Husband: Sorry, I wasn’t intending to spend that much.
Happy birthday. In dog years, you’re dead.
Is it getting warmer here or is it all the candles on your birthday cake?
I asked my wife what she’d like for her birthday.
She said that since it’s a round birthday, she’d love something that goes from zero to 200 in 20 seconds.
No problem, I got her a nice weight scale. But really, there’s just no pleasing that woman!
Little Johnny: Mummy, when was I born?
Mummy: 20th of April.
Little Johnny: Wow, what a coincidence. It is the exact date when I have my birthday.
Signs you are getting older: You have to scroll down a lot before hitting your age in an online form.
Q: What birthday gift will most offend a state employee?
A: A motion detector.