“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an “Escalator Temporary Out of Order” sign, just Escalator Temporary Stairs. Sorry for the Inconvenience.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who’s the real hero?

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Every book is a children’s book if a kid can read.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I would imagine if you understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.