Q: Why is Ireland the fastest growing country in Europe? A: Because it’s always Dublin.
Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun? A: Cos they’re always a little short.
Q: What do you call an Irishman covered in boils? A: A leper-chaun.
Q: How do you blind an Irish woman? A: You put a bottle of scotch in front of her.
Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car’s indicators are working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. After a while, one amazed onlooker said: “Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?” The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, …
An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: “Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?” The Irishman replies: “No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both.” The following week, the …
Gerry Connors walked his dog through the village every day. One day Mr Connors is on his walk without the dog. His pal Billy sees him and asks: “Where is your dog?” Mr Murphy answers: “I had to have him put down.” “Was he mad?” asks Billy. “He wasn’t too pleased,” Mr Murphy replies.
An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prayed. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: “Never mind, I found one!”
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O’Grady after mass. He says: “So what’s bothering you?” She replies: “Oh, Father, I’ve terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says: “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Did he have any last requests?” “Certainly father,” she replied. “He said: “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!” “Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then …
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The …
Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy’s got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. Paddy says to Mick, “If you can guess how many doughnuts are in my bag, you can have them both”
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?” Billy says, “In the car.” Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
Q: What’s the difference between God and Bono? A: God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot. “Lord,”he prayed,”I can’t stand this.If you open a space up for me,I swear I’ll give up drinking me whiskey, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.” Suddenly, the clouds parted and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without …
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep. “Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory” Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned” …
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling …
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.” So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip …
Q: How does every Irish joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.