Marriage Jokes

They say that laughter can help loosen the tension brought by marriage. The jokes about marriage are a living testament of that claim. Apparently, joking about the marriage itself can help couples deal with their own weirdness. It can also help them work things out with other couples that you know.

If you are married, you will certainly appreciate the jokes that we have collected just for you. You have to remember though that even though these jokes are completely relatable, they are only meant to amuse and not to add another tension in your marriage. Remember, these are only jokes and don’t take it very seriously.

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Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: “Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?”

Wife looks confused: “But that’s your task, honey.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s all over the Bible, dearest.”

“The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!”

The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: “See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews.”

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Wife: Honey, do you think I gained weight?

Husband: No, I think the living room got smaller.

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.”

Man to wife: “What did she say?”

Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.

An elderly couple talk in the evening:

“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”

“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”

“And that helps?”

“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than my wife.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Women marry because they believe that he will change one day. Men marry because they believe she’ll never change. Both are mistaken.

I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”

Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”

Are you married? If not, do you know other married couples? If you do, then these cool marriage jokes will help you get some perspective about marriage as a whole.

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