Bar Jokes

Whenever we gather with our friends during whatever occasion, we usually share funny stories to lighten up the mood. One of the jokes we generally tell them is a bar joke. You may believe that every bar joke begins with “X walks into a bar” but you are totally wrong. Some of our bar jokes here in QuoteReel.com do not even begin with that.

If you think that you have run out of good bar jokes to tell your friends, it is now time to refresh your bar jokes repertoire and earn your rightful rank as the official comic in your own gang.

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A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.” The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.” The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.” “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.

The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing eye dog,” the woman replies. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”

Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks “What’s so magical about it?” the guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. the other tries, but falls of and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says.

“Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walked into a bar. The first ordered a pint, the second ordered a half pint, the third ordered a fourth-pint, etc. The Bartender eventually walked up and gave them two pints and said: “you mathematicians don’t know your limits.”

1436

Q: Why do Norwegian ships have barcodes on them?

A: So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, “Why are you drinking so fast?”

The guy wipes his mouth and replies, “You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had.” The bartender asks, “What do you have?”

The guy says, “75 cents,” and runs out the door.

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”

The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”

The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

Q: Why didn’t the bartender serve the snake?

A: Because he couldn’t hold his beer.

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.

The bartender asks, “Why did you do that?” And the guy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!”

Q: What do you call a basement full of women?

A: A whine cellar!

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve poultry!” The chicken says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, “That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”

Again, the man looks around, sees nothing, and returns to his drink, wondering if he should get checked out by a professional. Finally, when his nerves have cooled and he believes the voice is gone, he hears, “I bet your parents are really proud of you!”

He slams down his drink and looks around wildly. Frustrated and finding no possible source of the voice, he calls over the bartender. He says, “Hey barkeep! What’s that voice I keep hearing?”

“Oh, those are the peanuts,” the bartender replies. “They’re complimentary.”

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, “That’s amazing. Where did he come from?”

The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.

The man thinks and says, “I wish I had a million bucks.” All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.

“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, “I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”

Q: What does a termite say when he walks into a bar?

A: Is the bar tender here?

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, “A scotch on the rocks, please.” The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, “This gorilla doesn’t know the prices of drinks,” and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, “You know, we don’t get too many gorillas in here.” The gorilla replies, “Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain’t coming back, either.”

Q: What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar.

A: You guys better not start anything in here.

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase.

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’d like to buy some peanuts.” The bartender says, “Sorry, don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and again says, “I want to buy some peanuts.” The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, “I already told you I don’t sell peanuts.” The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, “I want to buy some peanuts!” The outraged bartender yells back, “I told you, I don’t sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I’ll nail you to the wall!” The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, “Do you have any nails?” The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, “Sorry, don’t have nails.” The duck asks, “Well then, do you have any peanuts?”

Do you like bar jokes? Then we have the best ones for you! 21 bar jokes will definitely your friends clutch their sides from laughing very hard. You don’t need to worry about your reputation as the funny one in your group because we’ve got you covered.

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