Retirement Jokes

Malcolm S. Forbes once said that retirement kills more people than hard work ever did. You will face boredom and more down time now that you are officially out of service. If you are a retiree, you need some form of entertainment to keep you busy to help you through the transition. This way, you can at least keep your mind busy while enjoying good days ahead.

If you need to fill the lonely gaps brought by your retirement, here are some jokes about retirement that are completely hilarious and relatable. This will also give you a fresh and positive outlook about retirement.

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Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?

A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!

Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q: Why did the robber retire?

A: He just couldn’t take it anymore!

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Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q: Why did the astronaut retire?

A: He got spaced out!

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Q: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Q: Why did the prostitute retire?

A: She screwed up!

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Tea Break.

Q: How do you know your old?

A: People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Q: Why do Retirees smile all the time?

A: Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Q: What is the “initial” state of retirement?

A: SS, CD’s, IRA’s, AARP.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: Nuts!

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

A retired couple had dinner at their friends’ house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went to the kitchen.

The two men were talking and one said, “We’ve been going to a new restaurant and it’s really great. I’d recommend it very highly.”

The other man asked, “What’s the name of the place?”

The first man thought awhile and finally said, “What are those flowers you send a woman you love? The ones with red petals and thorns?”

“You must mean roses,” he replied.

“That’s it,” said the man. He yelled to his wife, “Rose, what’s the name of the new restaurant we like?”

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Do you know someone who just retired? These 21 retirement jokes will certainly keep them laughing and forget, even just for a while, that they have retired. Our collection of outrageous retirement jokes will help them focus on the brighter things in life ahead of them.